Here I sit, waiting for the phone to ring.
The doctor could call any time today, letting me know if I’m all clear and good to go or if I’m about to enter the world of chemotherapy and the fight for health and life. Perhaps that's a little dramatic, the chances of the latter are extremely slim...but that’s what the doctor thought about my chances of having a molar pregnancy* after last week’s procedure to remove the tissue in my uterus that was not, to my dismay, going to become a living, breathing human being.
The first time a plus sign on a stick had us fooled it was devastating but quick to be resolved. This time, four months later, has been much more of a waiting game.
As I wait for the phone call, I’m trying to get some work done…which is something I’ve been unable to do much of for the last week or so. The current task: trying to choose a sermon text for Sunday. I know, my timing is awful, but Monday I got the news about the molar pregnancy, Tuesday I went to the hospital for blood tests and x-rays, and now it’s Wednesday.
There are times when one of the lectionary texts sticks out like a shining gem, but there are others, like this week, when the choice is harder to make. Will it be the story of Elijah who goes to a mountain to seek God and finds God not in the wind, the earthquake, or the fire, but in the silence; or perhaps the theological discourse of Paul in Romans 10, laying out a framework to understand how God, through Christ and finally through Christ’s followers who bear his good news, makes salvation available to all; or will it be the classic tale of Peter attempting the feat of walking on water with Jesus, and the not-so-common perspective that perhaps Peter should not be commended for getting out of the boat?
Once I choose a text the next big question is whether or not I’ll be able to preach it without referring to my current situation (whether directly or indirectly) and becoming an emotional wreck in the midst of my sermon. I think my best sermons have been those through which God has dealt with me as I study and prepare, and I know God is dealing with me through these texts, but the emotional nature of the issues at hand seem too intimate and delicate to share.
I realize it is okay to show emotion while preaching, but if I’m a choked-up teary mess I won’t be doing anyone any good. I’m feeling much stronger, though, then I was last week as the gravity of the loss set in. I’m ready to move on, ready to fight if need be, ready to do my job and contribute to the world again.
If only I could get that phone call…
*(For anyone wondering what in the world a "molar pregnancy" is, this is a pretty quick and simple overview http://www.webmd.com/baby/tc/molar-pregnancy-topic-overview)